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                  COMPLETE DOCS FOR INNOCENT UNTIL CAUGHT  
                                            
THE INTRODUCTION

Call Me Jack. My Full Name Is Jack T. Ladd But Don't Ask Me What The T Stands 
For Because You Won't Get An Answer- And A Kick In The Coconuts Often
Offends. Strange Though It Seems, It Could Have Been Worse. My Farther Wanted
To Call Me Rudolf Rufus Rupert Russel Ladd. When I Was Born He Was Inspired
To Open Up His Copy Of The Intergalactic First Name Dictionary And Christen
Me With Every Name He Saw On The First Page His Chubby Fingers Stopped
At. Luckily, Madness Isn't Genetically Transmitted. At Least That's What My
Friend Dinky The Green Goblin Says. Anyway, This Isn't The Point Of This
Story. The Point Is To Tell You How I Ended Up Having To Find More Money
Than A Major Government Can Squander On Babes And Cocktails - All Within
The Next 28 Days. 

The Background

I Hope You All Know By Now That Mankind Has Conquered The Stars And
Colonised The Planets Of This Miserable Galaxy. If You Didn't Know This, Get
An Education. If You Did Know It, Get Out Of Here. I Don't Need Wise-Cracking
Smart Alecs Like You Around. Okay. Apart From Anyone Whose Knuckles Trail
Along The Floor, The Rest Of You Can Stay. The First Thing You Need To Know
About Is The Federation. All Colonised Worlds, Whether Monarchic
Dictatorships Or Communist Cooperatives, Joined The Federation Of Planets A
Long Time Ago. A Long Time. I Can't Tell You Precisely When Because I Missed
That Particular History Lesson. Okay, I Missed All The History Lessons- But
That's Another Story, And One Which I Wouldn't Tell You Even If I Could
Remember It. This Story Concerns The Federation, And The Way The Fed Controls
Everything:Trading, Commerce And (Most Important Of All)Intergalactic
Taxes. As With All Governing Bodies, The Fed Has Been Devoured From Within By
Bureaucracy. I Once Wrote A Poem About It, But Poetry Isn't My Strong Suit
And You'd Have To Break My Arm Before I Repeated It. Anyway, The More
Bureacracy There Is, The More Opportunities You Have For Corruption. The
Fed, Not To Put Too Fine A Point On It, Is 100 Percent Corrupt. All
Departments Vie For Power, And All Of Them Use Underhand Methods To Gain
That Power. The Most Terrible And Underhand Of Them All Is The Interstellar
Revenue Decimation Service - Also Known As The IRDS. This Is Getting A Bit
Heavy Already - And It's Been Over Two Hundred Words Since I Last Had A
Sub-Heading - So I'll Tell You More About The IRDS And Why I'm In Trouble
With Them Later. For Now, Here's A Token Sub-Title. 

The Token Sub-Title

Now That We've Got That Out Of The Way, Lets Get On With The Background. I've
Told You About The Federation, And Mentioned The IRDS - So What Else Is
There? Crime. Everything Runs On Crime. Every Planet Has Its Own Gangs And
Its Own Crime Bosses. If You're The Kind Of Person Who Thinks That Crime
Bosses Are Trustworthy Individuals Who Love Mankind And Tiny Kittens, You
Probably Believe In Free Money For All And The Importance Of Integrating
Hoverbike Riders Into The Mainstream Of Society. You Can Trust A Crime Boss
About As Far As You Can Throw Him - Assuming He Won't Kill You As Soon As 
You Walk Through The Front Door. 

Me

But That's Enough About The Background - Let's Talk About Me. Apart From The
Obvious (Impeccable Dress Sense, Fashionable Haircut, Lean Body, Etc), You
Could Say I Specialize In The Clandestine Procurement Of Valuable
Items. Some Of The More Dim-Witted And Thick-Boned Officers Of The
Federation Police Would Refer To Me As The Thief, But That's Only Because
They Can't Pronounce Words With More Than One Syllable. 

And My Opinions On Bars

'Bar' Is The Most Beautiful Word On The Three Planets. Roll It On Your
Tongue, Baaaaar, And Let It Slip Down The Back Of Your Throat:Barrrrr. I'm Not
Normally Given Apologies, But In This Case I'll Make An Exception. It's A Long
Time Since I've Had A Drink, And After The Experience I've Just Had With The
IRDS, I'm Heading Straight For The Nearest Watering Hole. I'll Tell You More
About That In A Minute - But First You Need To Know Some Golden Rules About
Bars:

1)Never Challenge A Bartender On A Federation Starship To A Game Of 'I Bet
You Don't Know How To Make A Legspreader Surprise. ' He'll Have You
Unconscious Before You Can Say' Lyz Bett Uyz Dontt Gnaw Hoooow Tooooo Mak
Er. . . 'You Have Been Warned. 

2)Try Not To Get Involved In Fights. I Did Have Some Other Advice On Bars For 
You, But To Tell You The Truth, I Can't Be Bothered. Just Keep Your Nose
Clean, Throat Lubricated And Act Real Cool. But I Can Be Bothered To Tell You
Some More Useful Information About The Kind Of People, Places And Things You
Might Expect To Meet. If You're Going To Help Me, You Need Some Inside
Information. I Make No Apologies If The Following Looks Like A Random
Collection Of Ideas Knocked Together In Under 60 Seconds - Because That's
Exactly What It Is. 

Okay, This Is What I Know:

1)Never Wear A Watch In Bed. 

2)Always Wash Behind Your Ears, Unless You Don't Want To. 

3)If A Policeman Isn't Corrupt, He's Stupid. If He Isn't Stupid, He Isn't A
Policeman. 

I Never Said I Knew Much Did I? Now If You'd Have Asked About Babes Or
Embezzlement. . . But I Think That's More Less Than Everything. If I Remember
Anything Else I Won't Reveal It Without Pre-Payment. That's The Way The
World Is. 

Crime Doesn't Pay

I Said I Would Tell You About My Experience With The IRDS Today, And I Do
Not Lie. (Except When I Don't Want To Hurt People's Feelings, Of Course. And
When It Will Help My Business Run More Smoothly. And Whenever Else I Feel
Like It. Come To Think Of It, I Lie Most Of The Time - But In This Case I Was
Telling The Truth). The IRDS. Despite Being The Meanest, Lowest, Most
Despicable Group Of Amino Acids That Dared Coagulate In Human Form, They
Deserve Their Own Sub-Heading:

The Interstellar Revenue Decimation Service (IRDS)

Let Me Tell You About The IRDS. The IRDS Is The Most Powerful And Most
Corrupt Federation Department There Is. They Will Tax Anything That
Moves, And If It Doesn't Move They'll Slap An Immobility Tax On It. There Is
Nothing You Can Do To Prevent Them Discovering How Much You've Earned, When
You Earned It, And Why You Haven't Paid Anything For Six Years. Even
Criminals Can't Escape. The IRDS Has The Fastest Space Ships In The Galaxy, A
Battle Fleet Second-To-None, And The Leanest, Meanest Group Of Combat
Auditors You Would Never Wish To Meet. They Even Tax Each Other In Their
Spare Time. I'll Say It Again:IRDS. Remember Those Letters, And Remember The
Threat They Pose To The Future Of Free Enterprise. IRDS, IRDS, IRDS. . . 

Why They Are Important In This Story

Just In Case Anyone From The IRDS Gets Hold Of This After I Reach
Tayte, I'll Change The Names To Protect The Guilty. In Fact, It Might Be
Better If I Don't Mention Any Names At All. My Memory Isn't A1 At The Best
Of All Times - Or Is It? I Don't Remember. I'll Begin With The Ship. True, It
Wasn't My Ship. I Don't Know Whose Ship It Was, Or Why I Stole It. Sometimes
These Things Happen And You Have No Control Over The Events. Well, Okay -
That's A Lie. I Stole It Because I Needed A Ride And Fast. Let Me Explain:The
Life Of A Master Thief Is A Life Spent On The Run. Most Of The Time You Know
Who You're Running From, And What Will Happen To Your Guts If They Catch
You. But Sometimes You Just Don't Know. Maybe It's That Pet Dealer On Sirius
V, The One Who Discovered Too Late That The Hamsters You Sold Him Were, In
Fact, A Box Of Wigs For People With Small Heads. Maybe It's The Florist Who
Ordered A Shipment Of Roses And Ended Up With A Single Plastic Carton Of
Crushed Petunias. It Doesn't Matter Your Supplier Let You Down, Or That He
Was Lucky To Get Anything At All. People Remember, And They Get Angry. Worst
Of All, Maybe It's Someone You've Forgotten, Or Even Someone You've Never
Met. Sometimes I Wake Up Sweating, Dreaming That Someone I Don't Know Will
Try To Kill Me For Something I Didn't Do In A Place I've Never
Visited. Getting Back To The Subject Of The IRDS In A Roundabout
Fashion. Forgive Me. I Seem To Have Wandered From The Main Thread Of My
Story. Today's Incident With The IRDS Began With The Ship. I Stole The Ship
Because I Needed To Escape. I Needed To Escape Because Of An Unfortunate
Encounter With A Rather Irate Art Dealer On A Nearby Planet (I Won't Name
Names - But It's Called Bagapoo). Normally I Don't Move Much Faster Than
Walking Pace, But The Fact That This Particular Dealer's Face Betrayed A
Fair Pace. It All Started When I Tried To Sell Him A Painting. No Harm In
That, You Might Think. In Fact, You Would Be Totally Wrong - So Leave The
Thinking To Me From Here Now On. 

The Painting

The Trouble With Art Galleries And Museums These Days Is That Thay Are Far
Two Well Protected. If Governments Displayed Great Works Of Art In Pig Sheds
No One Would Ever Bother To Steal Them Because It Would Be Two Easy. The
Fact That You Have Half A Dozen Booby Traps To Get Past Just Acts As A
Challenge To Thieves. It's A Challenge We Can't Resist - And That's How I    
Happened To Be In Possession Of An Original Athena Poster From Twentieth
Century Earth. Stupidly I Hung On It For So Long That I Forgot Which
Gallery I Stole It From - And You Don't Have To Be A Genius To Guess Which
Gallery I Tried To Sell It To. The Owner's Memory Impressed Me:Not Only Did
He Recognize The Poster, He Also Remembered When It Was Stolen, The Police
Interview Which Followed, The Rise In His Insurance Premiums, And Where He
Had Left His Machete. There Are Two Things Which Are Very Important To
Me. The First Is My Reputation, Which Could Have Been Severely Damaged By
This Incident. The Second Is My Neck. 

Fight Or Flight?

Of Course, In This Situation A Thief Has The Option Of Standing His
Ground, Brassing It Out, Bluffing, Etc. This Is Not Always The Safest Course Of
Action - And Given A Choice Between Death By A Thousand Cuts And A Sharp
Exit, I Will Always Choose The Latter. I Dropped The Poster And Ran Like
Hell. 

The Art Dealer's Fatal Law

As Luck Would Have It, The Art Dealer Had A Wooden Leg. Trying To Pursue Me
Too Quickly, He Stumbled Into A Storm Drain And Fell On His Machete. Had He
Not Been Wearing Chain Mail Undergarments At The Time, He Would Almost
Certainly Have Been Killed. I Have Often Wondered In The Few Hours Since
Then Why He Was Wearing Chain Mail So Close To His Skin. We All Have Our
Secrets. Anyway, After That I Took My Foot Off The Accelerator And Slowed To
Walking Pace. The Nearest Spaceport Was Only Ten Minutes Away, And Even If
The Dealer Had Managed To Alert The Local Heavies To My Presence, It
Was Unlikely That They Would Have The Sense To Check Out The Major
Transport Terminals. You'd Be Surprised At How Dim Officers Of The Law Can
Be. Or Perhaps You Wouldn't. 

Customs, And Other Annoying Features Of The Spaceport

I Arrived At The Spaceport Realizing I Needed Transport And Discovering
That I Had No Legal Means Of Securing It. This Is Not Normally A Problem But
I Had This Sickening Feeling All Day That Everything That Could Go
Wrong, Would Go Wrong. However, I Have Wisely Taught Myself To Ignore My Own
Intuition. It's About As Accurate As A Watch With A Broken Mechanism, No
Hands And No Numerals. And Believe Me, I Know What I'm Talking About - I've
Sold Watches Like That In The Past. Customs Officers Are The First Line Of
Defence Any Spaceport Has To Offer. Most People Look (And Feel)Guilty When
Passing Through Customs, And End Up Getting Their Most Intimate Articles Of
Clothing Searched For An Ounce Of Gerbil Nuts. My Situation Is Exactly The
Opposite. My Body Realizes That It Couldn't Even Begin To Express The Amount
Of Guilt I Should Feel, So I Breeze Through Customs Looking Like An Angel
Who Has Never Even Heard The Word 'Crime', And Probably Wouldn't Understand
It Even If He Had. Still, It Was Annoying To Pass Through Without Being
Searched, Particularly Since (For Once) I Wasn't Carrying Any Kind Of
Contraband Whatsoever. Except For The Boiled Sweets Those Away. I Could Even
Have Eaten Them, If Necessary. Another Thing That Annoyed Me About This
Particular Spaceport Was That I Had The Distinct Feeling I Was Being
Followed. This Was Stronger Than Mere Intuition, Which I Have Described And
Mocked Above. It Was Based On The Fact That A Tall Stranger Dressed Totally
In Black Spent Half An Hour Three Yards Behind Me. Most Of His Time Was
Devoted To Talking Into An Intercom Device Fixed On To His Lapel - Either
That Or He Had A Chronic Twitch And An Aesthetic Need To Express His
Opinions Publicly. And Another Thing. When I Went To Look For A Ship To
Borrow, There Were Far Too Many To Choose From.  

Choosing The Right Ship

Choice Lies At The Heart Of Capitalist Societies - And It's Something That
Usually Appears To The Thief, Too. However, The Thief In A Hurry Only Requires
A Ship With Its Hatch Unlocked And A Warm Engine. Confronted By A Dozen Such
Craft, I Fell Into A Panic. I Missed The Unguarded Intergalactic Cruiser With
Warp Drive And Its Own Bar. I Missed The Small But Super-Powerful Models
With Reclining Seats, Fury Dice And Food Replicators. I Even Missed The Craft
With Go-Faster Strips That Was Hidden Behind A Cargo Freighter. All Of These
Would Have Given The IRDS A Run For Their Money. What I Found Was A Small
Twin-Engined Bucket With No Interior Decoration, Rust Where There Should
Have Been Metal, And A Flashing Red Sign On Its Main Computer Console. The
Sign Said 'Danger': Engine Overheat'. However, This Craft Had Several
Advantages Over The Others:Its Hatch Was Open, The Engines Were Powered
Up, It Was Unguarded And - Most Important Of All - It Was The Nearest
One. Despite What I Said Before About Thieves Needing A Challenge, It Was
Impossible To Resist. 

Some Points About Flying Your Own Spacecraft

The Major Appeal Of Simple Spaceships Is That They Often Have Simple
Controls. This One Was No Exception. Since The Engines Were Already
Grumbling, I Ignored The Button Which Said Start And Pressed The One Which
Said Move:. I Typed In The Speed And A Random Course Heading When Prompted By
The Onboard Computer, And Switched Over To Auto Pilot. Piece Of Cake. However, 
If You're Ever Tempted To Steal And Pilot Your Own Craft, Let Me Give You
Some Advice. 

1)Find One Which Has Adequate Weaponry. 

2)Find One Capable Of Warp Speed. 

3)Find One Which Doesn't Look As Though A Small Child Could Attack It With
Impunity. 

4)Find One Which Won't Be Sucked In By The Nearest Tractor Beam. 

Why I'm Offering This Help Will Become Clear In A Moment. For Now, All You
Need To Know Is That As The Ship Was Shuddering And Chugging Its Way Out Of
The Docking Bay, I Looked Out Of The Window. Standing There Watching Me
Leave, His Mouth Active Against His Lapel, Was The Tall, Dark Stranger. 

Combat

As Soon As I Left Bagapoo, I Became Aware Of Pirates At Coordinates
241/229/3. 5. (For Those Of You Unfamiliar With This Notation, They Were
Behind, To The Left, And Below Me. )I Could Tell They Were Pirates Because
They Transmitted The Following Message On All Sub-Space
Frequencies:Surrender Your Cargo Or Face Having Your Eyeballs Extracted And
Your Brain Liquidized. Thieves Relieve You Of Goods Without Telling
You. Pirates Need To Boast About It. Naturally I Ignored Them, Pressed The
Button Which Said Max Speed And Headed For Deep Space. The Craft Manoeuvred
Sluggishly Away From Its Pursuers, A Rust Panel Fell From The Overhead
Console, And The Engine Overheat Sign Burnt Itself Out. A Fight Ensued. When I
Say 'Fight', I Mean That The Pirates Caught Me Quickly And Started Firing
Immediately, And Since I Had The Kind Of Weapons Onboared That Kids Get For
Christmas, I Had To Do My Best To Avoid Them. If There's One Thing That I
Respect About Pirates, It's This: They Stick To Their Word. When They Say They
Will Annihilate You, They Don't Lie. After A Couple Of Strafing Runs They
Laid Into My Engines With Some Serious Hardware. I Twisted, Turned, Wriggled, 
Looped And Swerved As Well As I Could, But It Was Only Delaying The
Inevitable. I Made Peace With The World, Made A Mental Note To Lead A Life Of
Virtue And Chastity If Ever I Should Escape From This Mess, And Gave Up. 

Welcome To The IRDS Orbiting Space Station

The Firing Stopped. I Realized I Had Been Far Too Hasty About Committing
Myself To A Life Of Virtue And Chastity, And Quickly Reversed The Decision. I
Manoeuvred The Craft Around Looking For My Pursuers - But The Pirates Had
Disappeared. I Soon Discovered Why. In Setting The Ship A Random Course For
Deep Space I Had Been Both Lucky And Unlucky. I Was Lucky Because Where I
Ended Up Saved My Life And Scared Off The Pirates. I Was Unlucky Because My
Craft's Course Attracted The Attention Of The Internal Revenue Decimation
Service's Giant Spaceship, Exactly The Kind Of Roving Vehicle That No One
Wants To Rove In Their Direction. The Phrase 'Out Of The Frying Pan Into The
Fire' Came To Mind. 

The IRDS Ship, Briefly Described. 

For Those Of You Who've Never Seen It, The IRDS Ship Is Ugly, Dark And
Very, Very Big. 

The Tractor Beam

The Other Thing You Should Know About The IRDS Ship Is That It Is Equipped
With The Most Powerful Tractor Beam In The Entire Universe. The IRDS Like To
Use Its Tractor Beam, Often Simply For A Laugh. With Their Speed And
Firepower, All They Need To Do Is Ask People To Pay Them A Visit. But They
Like The Beam. Don't Ask Me Why. I Began To Think It Was A Remarkable
Coincidence That I Should Bump Into The IRDS Ship Right Here And Now. It's A
Big Universe, After All. Then I Remembered The Tall, Dark Stranger, And I
Thought About Him As My Ship Was Being Pulled Inside. He Was Probably An
Agent Working For The IRDS All Along. I Should Have Seen It Coming, Of
Course. I've Been Stupid Before, But It's Never Been Quite So Costly In The
Past. 

The Henchmen

I Don't Need Much Equipment In My Business. I Tend To Travel Light:Charm, Ego
And A Good Line In Distracting Guards Are Usually All It Takes. All What I
Had In My Pocket Was My Wallet (With 56 Credits In It - What I Wouldn't
Give For That Money Now!), Someone Else's Wallet (I Forgot Whose - I've
Stolen So Many Recently), A Few Credit Cards, A Ticket To Next Week's Ball
Game, And A Boiled Sweet Covered In Fluff. The Boiled Sweet Was A Fond
Reminder Of The Last Job I Undertook. After The IRDS Had Graciously Guided
My Space Bucket Into Docking Bay IRDS/Db/517-331/2, I Decided There Was
Nothing Else To Do But Play It Cool. After All, It Could Simply Be A Case Of
Forgetting To Offset Capital Allowance Against Gross Profit. However, Almost
As Soon As I Had Left The Ship An Oversized Primate In A Crimson Body-Suit
And A Hoverbike Helmet Signalled That I Should Follow Him. Things Weren't
Looking Good - Not For Me Anyway. The Primate Wasn't One For Small Talk. I
Tried To Chew The Fat, But His Vocabulary Was Limited To Grunts And
Occasional Imperatives. When He Realized That I Wasn't Quite The Walking
Carpet He Had First Mistaken Me For, He Asked His Friend To Join Us. His
Friend Was Called Joe, But If He Wasn't The First Ape's Twin Brother Then
I've Never Trade Gophers Over A Pint Of Tayteale. I Tried To Engage Them
Both In Conversation. 

Nice Decor I Said. 
Shut Up Ape 1 Replied
Ape 2 Thought About His Answer Before Adding, Yeah Shut Up. 
I Decided To Concur But Only After An Oh Yeah? Okay, They Might Not Have
Heard Me But I Felt I Had Gained A Moral Victory. The Apes Moved Rapidly
Into The Drag The Prisoner Mode And Pulled Me Virtually All The Way To The
Central Interrogation Office On The IRDS Ship. 

The Interview

I'd Never Been Inside The Central Interrogation Office Aboard The IRDS Ship
Before, But I'd Heard Plenty Of Stories From Colleagues About What Went On
There. What I Wasn't Prepared For Was Just How Dark It Was. I Knew There Was A
Thrift Drive On In All Fed Departments, But This Was Going Too Far. After
Tripping Down A Couple Of Steps And Slipping On A Patch Of Something That
Felt, Smelled And Tasted Like Slime, I Managed To Struggle Into An Upright
Chair. Everything Was Quite Apart From A Fluttering Sound Which Could Have
Been A Moth, Or Someone Doing A Professional Imitation Of One. It Was Too
Early To Tell. I Tried To Play Cool And Pretend I Didn't Know What Was Going
On. It Doesn't Do Any Good To Reveal Too Much When You're Dealing With
Trained Auditors. They Stop At Nothing. One Minute You Can Be Telling Them
About How Much You Like Prune Flakes On Your Breakfast Cereal, The Next
They're Torturing You For Non-Declaration Of Accrued(Untaxed)Interest On
Your Sister's Friends Husband Died Fifteen Years Ago, Or That You Don't
Even Have A Sister:You Have To Pay. Remember Those Words:You Have To
Pay. These Twelve Letters Are The Essence Of The IRDS. Anyway, My Ignorance
Didn't Fool Them. The Lights Came On And Revealed A Couple Of Smooth
Operators In Sharp Business Suits (The Mouth Was Real, I Noticed. )They
Proceed To Accuse Me Of Various Felonies And Misdemeanors And Claimed That
I Owed Them Tax On Everything I Had Ever Earned. It Was All True, Of Course -
But A Little Respect From The Bureaucrats, Even As A Apply The Branding
Irons, Would Not Go Amiss. Politeness Costs Nothing, After All. I Tried To
Bluff My Waythrough, Spouting Some Excuse About Making A Living, But It Was
Already Too Late. The Auditors Summoned Klepto. 

Klepto The Robot

I Can't Remember What Klepto Stands For. The Level Of Imagination In The
IRDS Just About Matches That Of A Plastic Spoon, So It Probably Doesn't
Stand For Anything. Accountants Have Never Been Too Hot On Acronyms, But Give
Them A Calculation Involving Depreciation Of Fixed Assets And They'll Be
Your Friend For Life. Klepto Was Designed By The Federation Robotics And
Kitchen Technology Research Unit, And Is As Proficient A Picker Of Pockets 
Would Be Pleased To See. With Only Six Metal Arms, An Impressive Whizzing 
Motion And An Auto-Adjusting Hover Unit, Our Friend Can Remove Your Entire
Inventory In A Matter Of Seconds. Which Is Exactly What Happened Tome. Almost
The End Of The Interview. After Poring Over The Contents Of My Clothing (See
The List Above), The Two Auditors Engaged In A Round Of Sarcasm To Butter Me
Up. I've Been Better Buttered In The Past However, And I Wasn't About To Be
Beaten With A Bit Of Butter At This Time. In The End It Made No Difference. I
Expected A Fine, And A Fine Is Exactly What I Got. It Was The Size Of The Sum
I Owed That Surprised Me, Though. The Tax Demand Is For More Credits Than
I've Ever Dreamed Of, Let Alone Earned - And All Payable Within 28 Days. 

My IRDS Tax Bill

Just So That You Have Some Idea About What We're Dealing With Here, I've
Included (Among These Documents)My IRDS Tax Bill. Take A Look At It. If You
Haven't Had One Of These Yet, You'll Get One Soon Enough. And Before You
Start To Look For The Actual Amount I Owe, Forget It. This Is Privileged
Information. Besides, I Got So Depressed I Just Had To Delete It. 

    Assessment Number:

IRDS 249 Qv/Pp2
H6574838492391 /2 /6

Name:
Jack T. Ladd

Occupation:
Master Thief

Age:
Unknown

This Statement Details Relative Adjustments Made With Regard To, And In
Respect Of, The Financial Accruals Resulting From Mercantile Trading, Felony
And Other Occupations, With Due Regard To All Income Earned Or
Unearned, Stolen, Borrowed Or Begged For, Licensed Or Unlicensed, Whatsoever
That Income May Be, And Without Prejudicing Any Further Enquiries Pursued By
The Interstellar Revenue Decimation Service And Its Authorized Agents(See
Form IRDS 817/D995/Pp171936290/Issue 2). Personal Taxation Allowance:None. 
Stellar Insurance Contributions:85% Of Total Earned Profitable Income Above
And Additional To Ordinary Taxation Measures As Detailed In IRDS
295/F661/Wx89456734. Total Sum Owed:Censored!Date Due:No Later Than 28 Days
Following The Receipt Of This Statement. No Excuses Will Be Permitted. The
IRDS Chief Auditor's Decision Is Final And Binding. Penalties For
Non-Compliance:Torture, Followed By Sale Of Internal Organs, And Death. All
Goods Belonging To Family And Friends Become The Property Of The IRDS For
15 Generations Following The Due Date Of Payment. Well I Suppose That's Fair
Enough, Isn't It? Never Let It Be Said That They Don't Give You A Fair
Chance. 

The End Of The Interview

Naturally, The Auditors Kept A Copy Of The Bill For Themselves, Another Six
Copies For Their Files, Six Hundred Copies For All The IRDS Sub-Branches
Scattered Around The Galaxy, And Eighteen Copies For Their Friends And
Family. It's A Well Know Fact That The Chief Form Of Entertainment For
Auditors Is To Spend Long Evenings Comparing Particularly Stringent Tax
Demands. I Couldn't Think Straight After Reading How Much I Owed. The Moth
Carried On Buzzing Around The Light, And I'm Pretty Sure One Of The Officers
Performed A Passable Imitation Of A Cartoon Elephant In A Tutu, But I Could
Have Imagined It. Stranger Things Have Happened:I Once Bought A Round Of
Drinks. Twenty-Eight Days! How Am I Going To Raise All That Money In The
Next Four Weeks?

What I Did Next

I Left The Interview Room In A State Of Profound Shock. This Is Much Worse
Than Ordinary Shock, As Sufferers Of The Profound Variety Will Testify, And
It Often Produces Symptoms Such As Nausea, Pale Complexion, Immobility, And An
Unwillingness To Look In The Mirror. Fortunately It Didn't Last Long, And I
Returned To My Ship Wondering What I Should Do Next. My Instinct Told Me To
Head For The Nearest Bar, But As You Probably Know Many Space Installations
Have Been Alcohol Free For An Obscene Number Of Years Now. I Can't Remember
Why It Happened, Or When, Or Who Ordered It, And Since It Doesn't Make Much
Difference To The Rest Of This Story I Won't Bother To Look It Up In The
Ship's Logs. The Nearest Planet To The IRDS Ship Is Tayte, A Miserable Little
Ball Of Rock On The Outer Edge Of The Indaway System. It's Just The Kind Of
Place Where I Can Have A Nice, Quiet Drink And Drown My Sorrows For A
While, So That's Where I'm Heading Right Now. Maybe I'll Find Something There
That Will Help Pay Off The Bill (And Maybe I'll Find A Flying Horse That
Lays Golden Eggs). 

Some Reflections On The Meaning Of Life. . . 

It's Only A Couple Of Minutes Before I'll Be Guiding This Ship In To Land At
Tayte Spaceport, So I'll Finish This Off Quickly With A Few Salient Points:

1)If You Were In My Position, What Would You Do? Discuss. On Second
Thoughts, Forget The Discussion And Just Give Me Some Help. 

2)Life, The Universe And Everything:What's It All About, And How Much Will It
Cost?

3)If Life Is Cheap And Crime Doesn't Pay, Why Is Beer So Expensive?

That Was Hastily Written Just Before Docking. You're Probably Wondering By
Now Why Why I've Written All This. It's A Good Question, And I'm Not Sure I
Should Answer It Without Receiving A Large Quantity Of Credits
Upfront. Jackets Don't Buy Themselves, You Know. However, Since This Message Is
A Cry For Help, I Can Hardly Expect You To Pay For The Privilege. The
Situation, Put Simply, Is This:If You Are Reading This Message You'll Have
Noticed Already That The Ship Was Left Unlocked, The Engine Is Still Running
And There Is A Bag Of Boiled Sweets In The Glove Compartment. Take The Ship
- It's Yours. I'm Sorry That The Bag Of Sweets Is Only Half-Full, But Writing
Is Demanding Work. If You Haven't Read This Far You're Probably A Thief, But
If You Have Made It To The End, You're Probably The Kind Of Person Who Cares
Enough To Assist An Honest Tradesman Down On His Luck. If So, Help Me
Now. I'll Be Waiting In The Spaceport Customs Hall, Open To Suggestions. I Can
Turn My Hand To All Sorts Of Business. Anything You Need, I Can Get It. 

Don't Forget: I Only Have 28 Days To Pay Off The Dept!

Introduction

If You Haven't Read The Background To The Game Yet. . . Why Not? Its Jack
T. Ladd's Life Story, And It Took Him A Lot Of Time And Heartache To
Write. These Things Aren't Easy, You Know. One Minute You're Earning More
Money Than You Can Possibly Spend In A Thousand Years, The Next You Owe Most
Of It In Taxes To The IRDS. And Don't Think You Can Run Away From It All -
The Combat Auditors Will Find You!However, If You Really Want To Get
Straight Into The Game And Don't Want To Bother With The Autobiography
(Despite The Blood, Sweat And Tears Our Hero Expanded In Writing It), Read On
From Here. Your Task Is To Help Jack Earn As Much Dosh As Possible Within 28
Days To Pay Off His Tax Bill. As You Guide Him Through His Adventures You
Will Visit Several Different Planets, Meet Many Important Characters (And
Plenty Of Silly, Trivial Ones, Too. ), Solve Puzzles, And Use Dozens Of
Different Objects. The Information Below Will Tell You How To Play The Game
- But Exactly How You Raise The Cash Is For You To Discover. And
Remember:Only The Tough Survive, And Only The Inquisitive Succeed. 

The Animation Sequence

An Introductory Animation Sequence Will Show You A Few Of The Events Which
Occured Just Before The Start Of Your Involvement In The Action. After
You've Watched It, You Can Press Esc To Skip It In The Future, Or Simply
Restore A Saved Game From The Opening Menu. 

Nb: The Control Method Selected For The Descriptions Below Is The Mouse For
Corresponding Keyboard Functions, See The Summary Off Controls At The End Of
This Section. 

A. Playing Area

1. Jack T. Ladd
2. Cursor
3. Character
4. Object
5. Exit

B. Control Panel

6. Map
7. Control Icons
8. Inventory

This Is Where The Action Takes Place. There Are Scores Of Locations In This
Game, And You Should Find The Following Elements In All Of
Them. However, There Will Be Several Occasions During The Game When Events
Overtake You. All You Can Do Is Sit Back And Watch - But Make A Note Of What
Happens!

Nb:On This Screen, Clicking On The Left Mouse Button Activates The Currently
Selected Icon, Clicking On The Right Scrolls Through All The Available
Icons. 

Jack T. Ladd

This Man Is In Trouble, Because He Owes Money And Doesn't Know How To Pay It
Back. Luckily However, No One Thinks He's Worth Killing - Not Even The
Henchmen Who Keep An Eye On Him. 

Cursor

This Is Used Both In The Playing Area And The Control Panel. Clicking On The
Right Mouse Button Scrolls Through The Available Icons, Clicking On The Left
Mouse Button Activates The Chosen Icon. 

Character

There Are Plenty Of Other Characters In The Game, Many Of Them Willing To
Offer Information If You Ask The Right Questions. Don't Be Shy - Talk To
Them All. You Never Know When They'll Reveal That Vital Clue You've Been
Waiting For. . . 

Object

There Are Dozens Of Objects In The Game, Not All Of Them Immediately
Useful. Watch Out For The Doomsday Weapon! To Pick Up An Item, Left Click On
It In Take Mode (The Closed Hand Icon). The Cursor Will Transform Into The
Object You Have Picked Up. You Can Now Use This On Another
Character/Object, Or Place It In Your Inventory. 

Exit

Once You Have Used Them, Available Exits Are Shown On The Map In The
Control Panel. If You Don't Want To Use The Move Icon And Left Click On The
Exit. 

Map

This Shows An Overhead View Of Your Current Location. Select An Exit On The
Playing Screen And A Corresponding Arrow Appears On The Map. When You
Revisit The Location, You Can Select That Exit Again Simply Clicking On The
Arrow On The Map - As Long As You Are Using The Move Icon. This Feature Is
Most Useful When You Want To Travel Through Locations Without Stopping, Or
When You Can't Immediately See The Exit You Want In The Playing Area. 

There Are Three Ways To Select The Various Control Icons:

With The Mouse In The Playing Area(Left Click Activates The Icon, Right
Click Scrolls Through The Available List), 

With The Mouse In The Control Panel (Left Click On The Box Of Control Icons
To Make Your Choice), Or

With The Keyboard (See Summary Of Controls, Below). 

Take

In This Mode, Clicking On An Object In The Playing Area Or In Your Inventory
Causes It To Be Picked Up, And Your Cursor Is Replaced By A Larger Version
Of The Object. This Item Can Then Be Dropped By Clicking On The Playing Area
Or Your Inventory. If One Object Is Dropped Onto Another, The Two May Be
Connected. An Object Can Be Given To A Character By Dropping It Onto That
Character. 

Use

Clicking With This Icon On A Part Of The Scenery Or An Object Allows You To
Use It. If The Item Can Be Used Immediately, The Effect Occurs Immediately
Without Further Action From You; If The Object Is Usable On Another
Item, The Cursor Changes To An Appropriate Using Icon. By Dragging This Icon
Onto Another Object, You Can Make The Two Interact. 

Move

When In Move Mode, If You Click The Pointer On A Part Of The Scenery You
Will Walk Over To It, And If It Is An Exit You Will Walk Through It. Remember
That You Can Also Use This Mode To Click On The Arrows On The Map, Allowing
You To Move Through Locations Quickly. 

Look

This Is More Specific Than Scan Mode(Below), And Provides Textual
Information On The Objects You Examine. 

Scan

This Allows You To Look Around The Playing Area Very Quickly. Brief
Information About Objects, People And Scenery Is Revealed In A Special Scan
Box Which Replaces The Map In The Control Panel. Nb:When Your Cursor Moves
Over A Recognizable Item, The Relevant Icons You Can Use On It Are Animated
In The Control Icons Box. 

Talk

Dialogue Between Jack And Other Characters In The Game Is Achieved By
Clicking On The Talk Icon And Using This On The Character You Want To Talk
To. This Accesses The Dialogue Screen. Once A Character Has Spoken To You, You
Are Given A Choice Of Replies - And You Should Left-Click On The Response
You Think Most Appropriate. If The Character Has A Lot To Say, You Can Speed
Through His/Her/Its Response By Clicking On The Right Mouse Button. You Will
Gain Most Of Your Information This Way - So Be Patient!In Special Instances
A Character May Initiate The Conversation By Walking Up To You And
Talking. In This Case You May Be Able To Choose Whether You Would Like To
Talk To Them Or Not (Allowing You To Do Something Else First), Or You May
Simply Be Forced To Talk To Them (Taking You Automatically To The Dialogue
Screen). Unfortunately, Sometimes What You Think Is Not Always What You End
Up Saying. . . 

Status

You Only Can Only This By Left-Clicking On The Icon In The Box In The
Control Panel, Or By Pressing The Space Bar. It Takes You To The Status
Screen, Detailed Below. 

Inventory

All The Objects You Have Collected Are Displayed Here. To Pick One Up, Switch
To Take Mode And Left-Click On The Chosen Item. Don't Give Your Precious
Objects Away Freely!

The Status Screen

Nb:As With The Main Game Screen, Left Clicking Makes Selections, Right
Clicking Scrolls Through The Available Icons. 

Progress Report

This Reveals How Much Of The Game You Have Completed In Percentage
Terms, Along With Your Rating. You Begin As A Novice, But You Shouldn't Stay
That Way For Long!

Options

You Can Turn The Music And Sound Effects On Or Off. 

Jack T. Ladd

Jack Can Wear A Variety Of Clothes, Store Objects In His Pockets Or Use
Objects On Himself. 

Load

You Have Up To 99 Loading Slots

Save

You Have Up To 99 Saved Game Slots. 

Help

This Useful Feature Gives A Summary Of The Controls, Brief Hints On How To
Play The Game, And Information About The Status Panel, Icons And The Help
System Itself. 


Quit

You Will Be Asked If You Want To Continue, Restart Or Exit Dos. 

Icon Controls

Left-Click On Status To Return To The Main Game Screen. 

Inventory

Selecting The Take Icon And Left-Clicking On Objects In Your Inventory
Allows You To Manipulate Them. A Combination Of Mouse And Keyboard Words
Best:The Mouse Is Quicker For Rolling The Cursor Around The Screen, And The
Keyboard Short-Cuts Listed Later Make Icon Selection Easier. 

Mouse

Left Button Selects Objects(In Take Or Use Mode), Activates Icons, And Is
Used To Interact With The Background Scenery. It Is Also Used To Specify
Locations On The Map (In Move Mode)And For Making Selections On The Status
Screen. 

Right Button Cycles Through The Available Icons. Speeds Through
Conversations On The Talk Screen. As A Short Cut, Use The Tab Key. 

Keyboard

Cursor Keys                    Move The Cursor

                               Around The Screen

Return                         Select An Object/

                               Character Or
             
                               Piece Of Scenery

T                              Talk Mode

L                              Look Mode

H                              Hand Mode
     
                               (Take)

S                              Scan Mode

M                              Move Mode

U                              Use Mode

Space                          Go To Status
                                
                               Screen

ALT-V                          Version Number


F1                             Pause/Unpause

                               Game

ALT-X, CTRL-Q                  Quit Game

CTRL J                         Joystick Mode

CTRL M                         Mouse Mode

ALT J                          Recalibrate

                               Joystick

F8, CTRL C, ALT                Quit Innocent
             
Or ALT X                       Jump Past Cut
                 
ESC                            Scenes

Joystick

A Single Analog Joystick May Be Used To Control Jack. Plug The Joystick Into
The Port On Your Soundcard And Press Alt J To Recalibrate The Joystick. 

Help! I'm Stuck                                         

This Is A Guide To The First Few Steps Of Your Quest. It Will Give You An
Idea About How The Game Works Without Revealing Too Much About The Puzzles
You'll Face. You Should Only Read It If You Can't Figure Out How To Do
Anything!

1)After The Introduction Sequence You Enter The Spaceport Customs Area. Here
You Can Talk To The Official By Clicking On The Right Mouse Button Until
The Cursor Changes To A Mouth, Then Left Clicking On The Customs Official
Himself. If You're Honest About Your Trouble With The IRDS, He'll Tell You
Where You Can Find A Pawnbroker To Help You Raise Some Cash. 

2)Use The Control Icons To Interact With Your Surroundings. Use The
Keyboard Or Right Mouse Button To Change The Icons And The Left Mouse
Button To Click On Areas Of The Background. You Should Be Able To Pick Up
Your Passport With The Take Icon (The Closed Hand)

3)Switch To Move Mode (The Walking Man Holding The Arrow)Then Click On The
Exit On The Right Of The Screen. This Will Take You Outside The Spaceport
Where You Can Hail A Taxi By Using The Talk(Mouth) Icon To Click On One Of
The Cars As It Speeds By. When The Car Stops, Click On The Taxi Driver
Himself With The Talk Icon And You'll Strike Up A Conversation. This Reveals
Some Useful Information, But Won't Help You Get Where You Want To Go. 

4)Make Sure You've Done All You Can In The Spaceport Before Leaving. Try All
The Icons On Every Part Of The Screen And See What You Can Find - You Might
Not Get Another Chance To Do Anything Useful. If You Want To Go Down To The
Subway, You Should Discover Some Useful Information About How To Reach The
Trains (And A Clue To The Objects You'll Need To Collect). 

5)Outside The Spaceport, Select Move And Click On The Left-Hand Exit. This
Will Create An Arrow On The Map On The Left Of The Control Panel, And Jack
Will Walk Down The Ally To The Main Street. Despite What The Customs
Official Told You, Don't Go Into The Pawnbroker's Straight Away - I Have A
Brief Look At The Other Locations First, And Then Enter The Bar. Sit On A Bar
Stool (Left Click On One Of The Stools With The Use Icon) And Talk To
Everyone! You'll Find Some Useful Information Which Should Get You Started
On Your Quest, And You May Suffer A Rather Nasty (But Useful) Experience. . . 

Nb:Only Read The Following Hints If You Want Help With Some Of The More
Difficult Problems In The Early Part Of The Game. These Clues Should Mean
Little To You Unless You've Tried To Solve Certain Puzzles. . 

*Talk To People, But Try To Charm Them First. If Charm Doesn't Work You Can
Be As Sarcastic As You Like. Try To Work Out What The Other Characters In
The Game Are Like From Their Appearance And Behaviour, And Treat Them
Accordingly. 

*Return Objects To Their Rightful Owners, Unless You Can Find A Better Use
For Them. Maps, Keys, Weapons And Money Are Very Handy Possessions Indeed. 

*Some Objects Have Several Uses, Whether Alone Or Combined. 

*Satisfying The Pawnbroker Is Difficult - But It's By No Means The End Of
All Your Adventures. 

*Something Soft, Something Hard And Something Airy Will Help You In The Art
Gallery. 

*There's A Sticky Solution To Your Problems In The Bank. 

*Try To Find An Alternative Way To Enter The Zoo. When You Do, How You Smell
Might Mean The Difference Between Life And Death. 


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                * Slo\/\/Ly    13-3-94    *
                *   Typed                 *
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                *      Twirl              *
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